Fear...

By now, I think it is obvious that I have been in turmoil because of the lack of a plan after the end of next week. I panic and fear takes over. Fear of failure. Fear of this not looking like I thought it would. Both of these ultimately come from a crazy fear that the Lord will not take care of me. Then I remember the promises my Savior has made to me, through His word and through the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Then about the time my heart calms down, I am given another reminder that I don’t have a plan and then fear creeps in again. Then the whole reassurance process starts over again. I told a friend today that people keep telling me how brave I am. But it feels like a lie. I haven’t felt very brave in the last week. I have felt like such a slave to fear. But then I am reminded that I have been set free because of the love that our Savior had and still has for creation.

I have been called to a life of freedom through Christ. When I let fear rule my life, I am being disobedient. Obedience seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life this past year! When things do not go my way, I am quickly thrown into a tizzy, which quickly turns to fear. I am determined to break free of the chains of fear. I do not want to limit the work of God with my fears, fear of good things coming to an end, fear of the unknown, or fear of the cost of it all. It’s too selfish. God has brought me too far and taught me too much, for me to freak out and try to run when I get scared. So from here out, I am going to consciously make efforts to fight the chains of fear. Even fear of not having a plan. Because at the end of the day, I have nothing to fear anyway. My Savior is taking care of me. He has proven that time and time again. Beginning with the salvation that He so freely gave me.

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1:8-9 The Message

More things to try and learn...

Just a normal night of no power in Jinja! My laptop coffee table, orange juice, and candles!

Got to spend the morning with Georgina and her beautiful hair!

Sweet new friends, Carol and Georgina.

Tracy and Calisti and their handy work!

Niregiri was so proud to be a part of the jack fruit experiment!

Not long after arriving in Uganda, I started seeing this massively oversized, funky textured, bright green fruit everywhere. Then when you cut it open, it's extremely sticky, is filled with thick tentacle looking things, and it's loaded with massive seeds. So needless to say, I was not anxiously awaiting a sample of this fruit! But, Tracy encouraged me to try jack fruit (It's official name of course!) in a safe environment. Next thing I know, Tracy and one of the boys who live at SCP (Street Child Project) are walking through the gate with a massive jack fruit! After much fun of watching the boys cut the jack fruit open and using paper to try and get rid of the sticky goop inside, the moment of truth came. Would I love it or hate it? I was more than a little overwhelmed at the interesting texture. It's a thick, slimy texture. The only thing that I can think of to compare the taste to is a mixture of banana laffy taffy and peaches. Unfortunately, I HATE banana laffy taffy! So even though, I won't be lugging home a giant jack fruit anytime soon, it was a fun event for all involved!

Today, I got to go and meet a sweet Ugandan couple who serve as missionaries in their own neighborhood. Charles and Carol are a young couple who are passionate about evangelism and education. Charles organizes fun events like soccer tournaments where the gospel is presented at the end of the tournament. Carol works for an organization that does incredible things with women who are need of an income. God is Grace is a year long program and is sponsored by women in the states. The Ugandan women who are chosen for this program are women who have been widowed or their husbands have abandoned them. Through this program, the women are taught a trade: sewing, bead-making, and hair styling are a few examples. My favorite thing about God is Grace is that they also have a program for women with AIDS. These women are educated on how to take care of themselves and their families and are also taught how to make beads and jewelry. Hanging out with Charles and Carol was also fun because they have two gorgeous little girls, who are 17 months old and one month old!

I am coming to a very interesting place in this journey. A definite unknown portion. My time with Sonrise ends at the end of this month and at this moment I am still not sure what comes next. It's a place in this journey that I really didn't think about beforehand. I just assumed that I would get here and the Lord would put all the pieces together in an obvious and easy manner. I don't know what I was thinking, because I don't know about you, but I never learn from an obvious and easy anything! I learn in the places where I panic and have to rely on my sovereign God. I have wondered lately if I will ever be able to say to God, "Oh, I really do get it this time! I can trust you to be the Planner!" Because my heart has been in an almost constant state of panic for the last few days. My head is constantly saying to my heart "Slow down. He's in control. This isn't your responsibility. Be obedient!" I am learning that it's different here. It's not a day by day choice to be obedient, it's an hour by hour choice to be obedient. I am learning how trust and obedience go hand in hand. It's a lesson that I know I will be thankful for later, even though it's a hard one to be in the midst of.

Good news...

Update on that sweet baby… Renee (the missionary who met us at the hospital yesterday) and a social worker from Serving His Children, went back to the hospital this morning to speak to the baby’s mother about taking part in their program. At Serving His Children, malnourished children are rehabilitated with a plan made according to the baby’s needs. The catch is that the baby has to have a caretaker stay with them throughout the entirety of the program. The caretaker goes to Bible study every morning and classes in the afternoon on how to prevent their child from getting in that situation again. So needless to say, Ms. June and I rejoiced in the Lord this morning for providing a place for this sweet one to be recuperated and to be given the chance to live a healthy lifestyle!

Please be in prayer that the Lord would continue to open doors and put me in situations to meet people. As you know, my time at Sonrise ends at the end of the month. I am, of course, struggling to control my panic as I watch the days go by and I still have nowhere to live! Now, I won’t be homeless of course, I will be living temporarily somewhere! So don’t lose sleep thinking I have to sleep in the street! But I would love to have a permanent for now place to call home.

The consequences of desperation...

I am spending a couple of days with some fantastic ladies and cool teenage boys at a ministry called the Street Child Project. They have been wonderfully welcoming and have made me feel at home. And once again, it’s great to see people loving on others who need it. I met one of the missionaries, Tracy, in town last week and we became quick friends. The other two missionaries are a mother/daughter team who are unbelievably kind. Of course, I am insanely jealous that Jenny gets to have her momma, Ms. June, here with her every day!

This afternoon, I went to the children’s hospital with Ms. June to check on a malnourished baby and to meet another missionary there to see what could be done for the baby. Mrs. June told me about how malnourished the baby was, but there was no way to prepare for meeting him. When I saw him I was appalled at how a baby could be in his condition. His legs and arms were as thin as the bone. His normal sized head looked gigantic on his little 19 month old body. If it were not for his distended belly, he could not have weighed more than 10 pounds. The worst part is that his malnourished state was completely preventable. His mother used him to beg for money. She purposefully withheld food from him to gain more money. As she stood beside her baby, who was somehow sitting up on a mat underneath a tree in the backyard of the hospital, I compared her healthy body to his broken and struggling body. I wondered how a mother could watch her baby boy grow closer and closer to death everyday in order to get money. I wondered how she could feed herself and withhold food from the baby who was created in her own womb. I wondered how that precious child’s mother had so miscalculated her plan that he had come so close to death. I listened as the missionary who had met us there devised a plan of action. A plan that includes an HIV test, TB test, looking at his charts, and considering the funding for his hospital stay. As I became overwhelmed about the future of this precious one and my anger at his mother grew, I realized that the place that she had come to in life, where she was willing to starve her son to the brink of death, is a place that I will never understand. It’s a place of desperation that I don’t understand. In that mother’s desperation she saw the only way out to be starving her baby so that they could essentially survive. And while I still don’t think it was the right thing to do, I have to remind myself that I don’t understand her desperation and I pray I never do.

Where to begin? I have so many things that I wish I could put into words for you. God has been so gracious to me and I am finally getting it through to my doubting spirit that He is in control. Not me. He will provide for me. Everytime. It may not look like I want it to look. Or be as soon as I would like, but He will provide. I get so frustrated with Him and then He reminds me in His kind, but stern way, that my ways are not His ways and my thoughts are not His thoughts. And I praise Him for that. If it were up to me, I would have moved somewhere last August and missed out on the hard season He had in store for me where I would learn to trust Him all over again. I have to admit that I wish I could guarantee that tomorrow night when I go to bed that I would be feeling an overwhelming trust in His plan, but odds are, something will happen and I will let my doubting spirit take precedence again. I am learning that is a day to day life as a missionary. Day to day I have to choose to trust Him and His ways and thoughts.

Yesterday, I got to go back to the village I went to last Saturday to help out with the same ministry. I was just as impressed the second time around! I am always amazed to see how intentional the missionaries are at this ministry. They carry antibiotics in their purse and bring mattresses in the bed of their truck. They have a genuine love for the people they serve and it is contagious!

Today, I got to spend time at Ekisa (www.ekisa.org...check it out!). Ekisa is a home for children with special needs that was started by two young women who saw a need and stepped up to the challenge. I got to spend time with a little girl named Tasha. Tasha is a 3 ½ years old who has a severe form of cerebral palsy. She can’t talk or walk and the director told me that they have never seen her smile. But then, the director turned to Tasha and said “But we know she is going to smile one day! That’s a promise isn’t it Tasha!” It was so encouraging to again see a young missionary who is so in love with the people she serves. As I sat on the couch and held Tasha, we listened to two Ekisa volunteers play the keyboard and sing praise and worship songs. Tasha immediately became engaged with her atmosphere. Her little eyes scanned the room to see who was singing. As I sang praises to the God who created both of us, I had to hold back tears. I thought about how much our Creator adores Tasha. He was not surprised to find out that Tasha had CP. He was not surprised when her parents abandoned her, although I believe with my whole heart that it devastated Him to see His beloved daughter rejected by the ones who were supposed to love her most. Tasha was created with a purpose. Just like all of His creation, we all have a purpose.

So tonight as I go to bed with an overwhelming trust in my Savior who loves me enough to put up with my whining, I am thinking of these verses. I am reminded once again, that all things do work out.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

Dirty foreheads...

Brenda's sweet feet in the market.

After watching Brenda dance around in her shoes and stretch her toes out, a thought crossed my mind which she confirmed to be true. Today, Brenda put on her first pair of shoes! I don't know who was more excited, me or her!

We're getting better at group shots...new shoes may have something to do with that!

Mandy's new shoes! Shoes will give support to her right foot which bears all her weight because of polio.

Most of the new shoes on my proud friends!

Cute "jellies" on beautiful feet.

Margaret had the biggest foot and got the cutest shoes!

Anxiously waiting to see which shoes would go on their feet.

Trip one to the market. Measuring shoes on outlines of feet on construction paper.

Today was shoe shopping day! This is a day that makes everything within me happy! There is only one thing I love more than buying shoes for myself…buying shoes for sweet little girls! It’s a little different than running to the mall to be able to shop for your options here in Jinja. We went to the market to shop through slim pickings! It would have been different if we would have been buying 2 pairs of shoes, but no we were buying 19 pairs of shoes and about 11 of the girls needed the same size. As you can see in the pictures, the shoe of choice were what we called “jellies” when I was a kid. The girls needed the closest thing we could get to close-toed shoes so we could prevent the jiggers from reoccurring (Thanks to a little research done by my secretary…my momma!). After about an hour of shopping we thought we had all the shoes and sizes that we needed. The girls were beside themselves when they saw me walk up with a bag full of shoes! There was lots of screaming and dancing! It was all we could do to get them to sit down and wait for us to put the shoes in order of size. After some, okay much, excitement and a little confusion, 12 of the girls had shoes that were perfect for them! After lots of pictures, it was back to the market with the 7 remaining girls to get the shoes exchanged. When we pulled up to the market the girls just sat quietly in the car, none of them knew what to do. It was a little overwhelming having 8 (one snuck in the car for the field trip to the market!) little girls with three adults in the over-crowded market. The teacher in me kept doing a head count! We must have been a spectacle, two Ugandan adults, one mzungu, and eight little girls who are obviously from a village with no shoes on and tattered clothes, I had one on my back and was holding multiple hands. Our excitement only grew as each of my friends got a pair of shoes that fit. I know the other shoppers must have thought we were crazy, because every time that perfect pair of shoes got slipped on that little, dirty foot dancing and cheering began, and hugs and kisses on their foreheads were doled out! The trip out of the market was so different than the trip in. I still had one on my back and hands tucked in mine, but my sweet girls were confident and proud. Cinderella has nothing on my girls!

When we were almost to our shoe lady, a Ugandan man got my attention and said “You better be careful, they are going to run off with your camera!” While I did appreciate his concern later, my first reaction was to be offended. I immediately thought you don’t know my sweet girls! The Lord used this to convict my heart later, because it’s not fair for me to only advocate for my precious friends, and forget about everyone else. It’s not fair for me to turn my nose up at those who I don’t think deserve my help. My barefooted, now shoed, babies aren’t the only ones in their situation. The Lord used that situation to remind me that all of us are His creation, not just the ones that I love deep down in my heart. There’s a world of His creation out there waiting for someone, me and you, to reach out to them. And they aren’t just in Uganda, they are everywhere. Your ministry might not be kissing dirty foreheads, but we are ALL called to serve. So find your dirty foreheads today. Love on somebody who needs you.

Finding fellowship...

Amos scrubbing Anna's feet. Amos has such a servant's heart.

Anna was very brave waiting for the jigger removal process to begin.

Tracing feet for new shoes!

Today was another good day! I started out the day with my friends from Masese. I was given the money to purchase all of the girls a new pair of shoes by a giving supporter in the states! So I traced the outline of each of my friends feet so that I can be sure to purchase the correct size. The girls were so excited to have their feet outlined! The funny thing is they have no idea what it was for! They just loved being the center of attention for 30 seconds. Today marked day two of removing jiggers. I wasn't there yesterday, but I was told that is was a really painful process for some of the girls. Tears were shed and I wasn't there to hand out gum! We also worked on writing their names. I figured it was a good place to start! A few could already write their name, some just needed help with a few letters, some needed help remembering all the letters in their name, and a couple couldn't even trace the letters of their name. For one of the Anna's (we have 3!) I had to just draw lines for her to trace so she could grasp the concept of writing. Anna is probably 7 and does not have much practice with writing utensils. We are determined to change that very soon!

I got to go to a Bible study tonight that is for a small group of young missionaries! I was so excited, I could hardly wait to get to the orphanage where we met tonight! I was thrilled to know that a community of believers is already established. It's something that I longed for in some of the other places I worked. I didn't know what to expect coming to Jinja, and I certainly would have never thought there was a core group of young people I could learn from and live life with. They were all so nice and encouraging. When I was sharing with one of the girls about my not knowing what I'm doing next month and there is now 14 days left in the month and the panic that sets in every morning, she looked at me and said "You'll know when God wants you to know." I know that there is much truth in that statement. Every morning when that panic sets in, I have to pray about it and give it to God. And now I can be reminded that I'll know when I need to know!