the beauty of meltdowns...

Well, it's honest blog time again. As you know, it's the end of the month. That means looking for a place to live again. Looking for another ministry opportunity to fill my days with again. After trying for several days to brave it out and wait on the Lord to provide, which I know in my head He will do, the walls around my heart came tumbling down last night. I was showering with a little light on in the bathroom, because of course the power was off again, when the tears came. The tears came and came and came. I think I had a stock pile of them waiting to escape because this month has been so wonderfully filled. Then the trouble started. I began telling the Lord that I couldn't do this, I wasn't cut out for this. I told Him that we had tried and I just wasn't strong enough for this. I cried out to Him telling Him that I needed a home, a job, and a routine. Was that too much to ask? Right when my melt down was hitting a low point, something caught my eye. A baby gecko ran out from underneath the shower curtain and ran through the tub to the other side. At that point, I looked up at the ceiling and said out loud, "You've got to be kidding me God!" I hate geckos with a passion. You can't keep them out of your house. But to be trapped in the shower with one, not on the wall above the shower, but in the tub with you, was a whole new level of disgusting! But what could I do, I had to laugh. I realized what I was doing. I was begging God to provide me with an easy life. One like I had in the states. Where I didn't need Him on a daily, or sometimes even weekly basis. And I don't want that. I like living a life where the only option is to give the glory to God because there is no way I could have done it by myself. He also reminded me that I don't have to be cut out for this, I just have to be obedient. That's all He's asking for. I decided that my prayer would be simple. I want a plan. God's plan, but still a plan. I am a planner, I feel like I need a plan to thrive. So after praying for a plan, I dried up my tears, got out of the shower, and acted like the gecko never happened.

Today was a much better day. My perspective had been readjusted by my compassionate Creator. I began looking for the plan. I called and made an appointment with a housing broker to show me some available living arrangements. Checked my attitude. And then went and had an incredibly encouraging talk with a sweet friend. While I was on my way to meet my friend (Tamara), I got a phone call from the friend (Candice) that I stayed with last week. I was on a boda so I rejected the call and made a mental note to call her back later. (Secretly I was hoping that she and her husband were inviting me over for dinner!) Tamara is friends with Candice, so I knew she wouldn't mind me returning the call. It didn't take long to realize that Candice had called about much more than dinner. Candice and her husband have been considering renovating a section of their house into an apartment for a while now, and they have finally decided to do it. They had a foreman come yesterday and he said it was absolutely doable. She had called to tell me that they would like me to rent the apartment! I was so blown away that the only thing I could get out of my mouth was "Shut your mouth Candice! Are you serious?" Haha! It was so exciting to hear that news. I rushed home to Skype my Momma, I knew that she and my Daddy would be just as excited as I was! A safe place for their daughter to live! Looks like I won't be needing the housing broker after all.

I am still in disbelief that 12 hours ago, I was telling God that I didn't know if this could work. I know that God has to look at me in my melt downs and think "If she would just wait a few hours she could save herself the tears!" I am so thankful that I serve a God who lets me be me. Who lets me have my moments of complete chaos, only to settle my heart and reveal His goodness to me soon after. I am so thankful that I serve a God who is so patient. Who continues to mold me into something beautiful even when I make it difficult.

I am also thankful for those of you who lift me up to our Father on a regular basis. What would I do without my strong support system? I certainly wouldn't have made it this far.